"It wasn't meant to be..."

I never thought I would be bothered so much by these words that I, myself have uttered so many times. But I found myself getting irritated last night when my sister said this to me after I spent the morning at the ER finding out that I am not, in fact pregnant.

I woke up yesterday with cramping and bleeding, convinced that I was miscarrying. We rushed to the ER and I was put through a battery of tests which all came back saying that I was never really pregnant. I have heard it called a chemical pregnancy, and the ER doc called it a spontaneous miscarriage. Basically there was a fertilized egg, but it never implanted. The egg produced enough hormones to cause a pregnancy test (actually 2) to show a positive result, but it never turned into a pregnancy.

I am relieved in a way that I did not lose another baby. But for that one week, in my heart I was pregnant so I do feel a loss. Now twice within 6 months I have the strange feeling of being pregnant one day and then not pregnant the next. I feel like I can't even trust a stupid home pregnancy test.

I know that lots of people go through this and some don't even ever realize that anything happened--they just think that they are late. But I am really feeling like I can't take for granted things that others do. Other people see the plus sign or "pregnant" on the digital and end up with a baby 9 months later. I don't. Other people go into that first OB appointment and leave hearing a heartbeat. I left with orders for a "viability ultrasound."

I'm really angry right now and I don't know who I have to be angry at.