Here we go again!

So it has been a few days, but I have really had to take some time to come to terms with the latest news in my life.

We are pregnant. Again.

Part of me (a big part) can't believe it, especially since I pretty much have no symptoms, other than a little plus on a HPT. The other part of me is scared, scared, scared. I feel every twinge, every cramp, and dread going to the bathroom. This is totally in my head, since we didn't even learn of my miscarriage until I had an ultrasound.

At the beginning of that pregnancy, I was sick. I just felt like crap from day one. At the time, I was weaning off of a medication and suffering the side effects of withdrawal. I was never sure if my lightheadedness was from that withdrawal or from the pregnancy; it all kind of mushed together.

From the very start of that pregnancy I didn't feel quite right. It was very different than my first pregnancy, which started with nothing and then quickly escalated to heavy cramping. I feel more like I did when I was pregnant with my daughter now. That gives me some sense of reassurance, since my first pregnancy ended successfully.

But it is exhausting, the worrying. I just have this constant fear that any minute it will be over. I dread the doctors appointments, the searching for a heartbeat, the tests, everything. I just wish I could fast forward 9 months and be done with it.

I want to be able to be naiive about this pregnancy; to announce it joyfully, not cautiously. I want to be able to tell my daughter she is going to be a big sister and then not have to take it bak again. I want to be able to pull out my maternity clothes from storage and not have to worry about saving the space to put them back in.

I know that if I really try, I can do these things. I learned last year of creating new pathways in my brain by erasing those negative thoughts. And I should do that.