Monday, July 21, 2008

Hitting a rough spot

First off, there is nothing wrong. Let me just start with that. As far as I know, everything is progressing normally, I'm feeling normal amounts of movement today.

But I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. However, in a person diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, that is pretty much a baseling feeling. I always feel like I am just seconds away from the next big bombshell in my life. My major issue is that I am constantly feeling like I could lose everything in an instant, and that instant will happen right...now. Whenever I am having a really good moment with Mia, or she does something that is just simply adorable the first thought in my head is to preserve that memory like a stamp so that when she's not around anymore, I will still have it. Notice I said, "WHEN", not "IF" she's not around. I'm just so afraid of losing her in an instant that it sometimes preoccupies my thoughts.

And now I am transferring those feelings to this baby who is not even born yet. Yesterday was just an off day. I didn't feel good--too much food like beans and raw broccoli this weekend. I don't know if there just wasn't enough room for the little stinker to move around in there with all of my bloat, but I hardly felt him/her move all day. The baby had been so active Saturday night that Mia actually felt the "bumps" from the outside; so this was to me a drastic change. I couldn't get it out of my mind all day.

In church we have a guest minister, who happens to be the dad of a high school friend. I have found myself really enjoying his words and humor, it's kind of like a friendly grandpa telling stories. He ended his sermon yesterday reminding us that bad things happen and it is not always for us to immediately understand why or how they might fit into God's plan. The tears came back, as they always do the million and one times someone has said that to me since we lost our baby last September. I don't hate the words as much as I used to, but I still just trip right over them. With the crummy way I ended up feeling yesterday, were his words foreshadowing? Should I prepare myself for yet another bad thing to happen? Is God going to take away this child as well before I have a chance to know him/her?

I can't even bring myself to believing that I will actually give birth to a baby on November 7th. I don't hear the words coming out of the OB's mouth that everything looks good and is progressing normally. I find myself fixated on his news that the ultrasound technician was not able to get a great scan of the baby's heart when the procedure was done. I didn't hear that there is most likely nothing wrong, because if there was, she would have seen it. I am just second- and third-guessing our decision to not repeat the ultrasound.

I'm just waiting for the bad news.