"It wasn't meant to be..."

I never thought I would be bothered so much by these words that I, myself have uttered so many times. But I found myself getting irritated last night when my sister said this to me after I spent the morning at the ER finding out that I am not, in fact pregnant.

I woke up yesterday with cramping and bleeding, convinced that I was miscarrying. We rushed to the ER and I was put through a battery of tests which all came back saying that I was never really pregnant. I have heard it called a chemical pregnancy, and the ER doc called it a spontaneous miscarriage. Basically there was a fertilized egg, but it never implanted. The egg produced enough hormones to cause a pregnancy test (actually 2) to show a positive result, but it never turned into a pregnancy.

I am relieved in a way that I did not lose another baby. But for that one week, in my heart I was pregnant so I do feel a loss. Now twice within 6 months I have the strange feeling of being pregnant one day and then not pregnant the next. I feel like I can't even trust a stupid home pregnancy test.

I know that lots of people go through this and some don't even ever realize that anything happened--they just think that they are late. But I am really feeling like I can't take for granted things that others do. Other people see the plus sign or "pregnant" on the digital and end up with a baby 9 months later. I don't. Other people go into that first OB appointment and leave hearing a heartbeat. I left with orders for a "viability ultrasound."

I'm really angry right now and I don't know who I have to be angry at.

Here we go again!

So it has been a few days, but I have really had to take some time to come to terms with the latest news in my life.

We are pregnant. Again.

Part of me (a big part) can't believe it, especially since I pretty much have no symptoms, other than a little plus on a HPT. The other part of me is scared, scared, scared. I feel every twinge, every cramp, and dread going to the bathroom. This is totally in my head, since we didn't even learn of my miscarriage until I had an ultrasound.

At the beginning of that pregnancy, I was sick. I just felt like crap from day one. At the time, I was weaning off of a medication and suffering the side effects of withdrawal. I was never sure if my lightheadedness was from that withdrawal or from the pregnancy; it all kind of mushed together.

From the very start of that pregnancy I didn't feel quite right. It was very different than my first pregnancy, which started with nothing and then quickly escalated to heavy cramping. I feel more like I did when I was pregnant with my daughter now. That gives me some sense of reassurance, since my first pregnancy ended successfully.

But it is exhausting, the worrying. I just have this constant fear that any minute it will be over. I dread the doctors appointments, the searching for a heartbeat, the tests, everything. I just wish I could fast forward 9 months and be done with it.

I want to be able to be naiive about this pregnancy; to announce it joyfully, not cautiously. I want to be able to tell my daughter she is going to be a big sister and then not have to take it bak again. I want to be able to pull out my maternity clothes from storage and not have to worry about saving the space to put them back in.

I know that if I really try, I can do these things. I learned last year of creating new pathways in my brain by erasing those negative thoughts. And I should do that.

...and here's how...

So I ended my last post with the mom's story of her brain tumor, and I haven't been able to get back here to finish up.

So, here goes.

Mom's been dealing with recovering from gamma knife surgery and living life with a (benign) tumor. It has not been easy. Less than three days after her surgery, the left side of her body started seizing. She ended up back in the hospital for three days with very little answers. Apparently the effects of gamma knife surgery are not supposed to happen that quickly; it is a procedure that takes several months to even start to work. So lots of doctors were puzzled, to say the least.

She left the hospital on anti-seizure medication (we joked that she could share drugs with my miniature schnauzer, who is also on them...), very depressed. She was not supposed to drive and the medication made her very drousy. She went on a mini vacation and ended up having another seizure 1/2 way through. It has been a frustrating journey.

The journey started, however, with an ear problem that was still unresolved, and completely unrelated to the brain tumor. Mom was slowly losing hearing in one ear, followed by the other. With the tumor (sort of) taken care of, now it was time to see what was happening in her ears.

The news was not good. She visited a renowned ENT in Philadelphia, who ran a battery of tests and fitted her for hearing aids. I knew I was in trouble when mom said she wanted to see us on a Thursday night right after I got home from work. She never does this, and I joked with her on email, "you're welcome to stop by. Unless you have bad news. If it is bad news, you can stay away!"

It was bad news. Mom was diagnosed with Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease (AIED), which had flared up a year ago. The doctor told her that if it had been caught in the first few months, it could have been reversible. Even better, it is an inherited disease. Therefore, my sister and I now have to be tested, and if we have it, so do our children. If we are carriers, every ear infection, stuffed-up head, etc. must be taken very seriously, or else we, too could lose our hearing.

I'm trying not to be too pessimistic, but that's not in my nature. My ears are pretty much already shot from umpteen ear infections as a child. If I even looked at a body of water, I got swimmers ear. I already have constant ringing, and my ears click and crackle all the time, even when I am not swallowing.

But it is three weeks until my testing, so I have to try and put it out of my mind. For now.